if your wonderin' i'd like to meet a guy

with a gold heart not a cold heart.
if he's got one, then he's just right.

heart strong.

God's love is greater than no others.
Through him, I see a brighter tomorrow.

yesterday i went to New Hope Epic, i for the short group sessions we had to answer some questions.
i guess i answered most of the questions because i've been there. in those postions.

where .. forgiveness doesn't come so easily,
that you really need a lot of strength to forgive.
where .. despite everything you've done wrong,
God's still gonna love you under any circumstance.
where .. we gotta start making things happen,
instead of waiting on the sidelines for it to happen.

but overall in order for you to do so,
you have to set your pride aside and let your heart lead the way.
be happy for what you already have, not what you need 'nd want.
- i had fun that bein' my first time there. (;

"megan, your dad knows i love him,

but you are my strength 'nd my life.

you're the only one that gives me strength.

i would never want you to fall apart. 

if you do, i do too. please be strong for me."

that's when i knew i had to remain strong.

'nd keep my head up - regardless of the matter.

who else is gonna do it? no one, but me.

it was another heart to heart conversation with my mom.

today's the day he's suppose to arrive back to us, safely.

unfortunately, like every other time. he didn't show, or call.

that's when i knew my mom couldn't take it anymore.

i rushed straight to my room, 'nd cried to myself.

did mom 'nd i do something wrong that made him not want us anymore?

did he forget about us already? did he not want us in his life? - i'm lost.

simply spinnin' in never endin' thoughts wonderin' how he could do this.

everytime he said "i love you 'nd i miss you darling. can't wait to see you."

WAS IT A COMPLETE LIE, again?

Now mom's leavin' to confront you this thursday.

This is goin' to be most independent I've ever been.

Dad, I'll prove to you that I can handle with out you.

But why are you doing this is mom. I'm being strong for her.

You're just making everything worst.

I hate you at this very moment.

but deep inside I love you, for making me stronger.

I'm not the same little girl crying to her parents after watching a scary movie.

I know it's not real, and you taught me that. You made me braver.

I'm not the same little girl running around the playground laughing endlessly.

I'm workin', supportin', and takin' care of my own self. I'm independent.

I'm not that same little girl you left behind in August 2K8.

I'm 15 years old now, I made it to play offs last year, I got a 3.8 gpa (wish it was a 4.0)

I've accomplished so much things without you here.

So you can walk out my life. Just warn me before you do.

Tell me you don't want me, so I can move on. I know you love us, somehow.

Despite the bullshit -

You're still my dad.

heart ain't a brain

- but i'm thinkin' that i still love you.

January 19, 2K9.

Ugh, last night was crazy.

-_- You don't even know, goodness.

I'm glad my mom's forgiving. <3

Soooooo, today kev called me,

'nd asked if i wanted to go beach.

At first I didn't think my mom would,

cuzzzz of what happened the night before.

But surprisingly she said yes.

Well if you read my other blog,

then you probably get whats going on.

Long story - short. My dads not comin' back tmrw.

Don't know when he will, lost hope already.

Mmkay, Kholein, Kev, Court, 'nd Sherwin picked me up,

then went tooo pick up CHAAAAANTYLE! :) i love her.

Afterwards drove to Kapolei Burger King,

Chan's mommy is so nice, she bought us foood.

:) Thank you aunty. You're the best.

Headed down to white plains.

Saw brandy 'nd broooooke, cuties.

Ate our foood. Then sat in the sand.

Haha, Chaaan look so comfortable.

Sherwin splashed me! >:( Evil.

Hahahaha, Kholein's soooo skinny.

Courtney 'nd her OREO game, so sillllly.

When we were finished,

dropped chan, 'nd sherwin off.

Kev got mad at me, cuz i bite him & woke him up.

Didn't know what else to do,

so cruised it at kev's hale! :)

Halo frrrrrreaks, haha. Hawaiian <3's>

LMAO! Showered then kholein 'nd court took me home.

Now i'm here.

Mom's leavin' in 3 days to confront my father.

>:( He's horrrrrrible. 

when she needed you the most,

that's when you decide to leave us both.

i'm tired, tired of gettin' my hopes up.

tired of you always lyin' to me.

tired of pickin' up mom when she's down,

tired of cryin' cuzzz of you,

tired of smilin' when you say you'll be back,

tired of repeatin' different dates when you'll be back,

tired of lyin' to myself that you will come back,

tired of tryin' to be strong for your sake,

tired of dyin' inside everytime your not back,

tired of hopin' you will get back the next day,

tired of believin' your bullsht every single time,

tired of foolin' myself that this time is for sure,

tired of feelin' that i ain't good enough for you,

tired of thinkin' i'm just a burden in your life,

tired of dreamin' that your back,

tired of wonderin' why you won't come back,

tired of lovin' you as a father,

tired of hatin' you because your not being one.

i'm tired of you, dad.

she may be a dime,

but bby that's all she's worth.

"dime pieces ain't nothin but loose change." -sheila.

Ms. Right, this is her type.

Yeah, she's got a whole list of advantages.
a. She is not sexy, fine, or a dyme she is Beautiful and therefore encompasses all of these descriptions. b. She is intelligent, sassy, funny, outgoing, determined, strong and classy.
 c. She can cook or at least order a meal that is just like your mother's.
d. Her personality is just as beautiful as her body.
e. She believes in God and follows his virtues.
f. She knows that a relationship requires 200% yet she gives her man an extra 10%.. She can please her man in anyway. Mentally, Spiritually, and Sexually.
h. She makes you recognize your full potential as a man and completes you.
i. She's always there for you, no matter what your dreams are.
j. She's not afraid to tell you the truth and set you straight.
k. You can talk to her and confide in her, she's your best friend.
l. You love being around her more than your boys.
m. You can share your most intimate moments with her without sex
n. You can have a bad argument with her and have the BEST Mind Numbing and passionate love making fest ever.
o. She's always willing to find a way to work out your problems and will often take most of your shit. But she's also intelligent enough to leave.
p. She's nothing like any other girl you've met. She's your woman.


There's only ONE disadvantage. 

You've probably met her, or had her in your life but got too consumed with all the other types that you let her go.

January 18, 2K9.

:) i love chan, cuzzzzz she's my man. 

boyfriend since 01122K9. its love.

lets seeeeee! >:( I only got like what 4 hours of some decent sleeep.

that's fuckn horrrrible! all cuzzz the bitch ass ryan gotta wake my ass up, "just becuzzz."

& my cell phone ain't workin'. I can only recieve calls, so ugly, on the real.

welllllllll, my mommy made chicken :) yumm.

then around 2 somethin', mariecel, chan, & court came to pick me up.

:] yaaay! i missed them oh sooo much.

i gave courtney her CHRISTMAS PRESENT!

finnnnnallly! :) build-a-bear c breeeezy.

then kevvv so happened to call me,

'nd we were on the way to his house,

so i could give him his christmas present.

then..... mariecel and chan got hungrrrry.

so we decided to crash kev's house & order pizza hut.

haha, courtney's so baddddd asss in halo! :D hah, i love that girl.

SORRRRY COURT FOR MAKIN' THE DRINK SPILL ON YOU!

i didn't mean for it tooo do that, damn i have helluh bad aim.

Kevvvv finally got his christmas gift.

it was in a HUUUUUUGE BOX! :)

'nd if your wonderin' i made him an art kit <3

hahaha. & rocky 'nd drey came overrr,

when the pizzzza came tooo! >:P

so kev had to leave to go paintin',

and we were all like huh? whats going on.

so us girrrrls, went up to royal summit.

to eat out pizzzzza, :) chan was fighting with the pizza box.

it was frkn hilarious! :P i can laugh, cuz she knows i love her.

afterwards we dropped courtney home,

then headed to kunia to killll time.

i can't believe they frkn toook away melon syrup!

HORRIBLE HORRIBLE PEOPLE! >:((((((

"nails to the fuckn world."

thennnn chan had no where else to go,

so mariecel dropped her & i to my place.

we ate a pint of coookies and cream,

and made two vids, which will be up soon! :)

hahahaahhaahahah.

thennnnnn! mariecel picked us up.

we went to waikele, met up w/court alexis ryan kholein.

i bought mariecel NEW MOOOOON! :]

& oh my that chick has crazy stories. make the whole world laugh.

alexis oh my fuckn thug life right there. :)

we were sooooo busy laughing our asses offf.

outside borders. mariecel has the biggest boobs the jap. man has ever seeen.

HAHAHAHAHAH, she's hilarous. love that girrrrl.

on top of it allll,

it was FREEEEEZIN'. 

& yeah i shouldnt have worn shorts & a tank.

-_- my lossssss.

went to zippppy's.

then dropped chan.

then got HOME! finallly :)

..today was fun <3

'cuzzz bitch your only worth that much.

(; mahalos.

winter fantasy 2K8.

December 17, 2008.

"It's just a pose, please don't flatter yourself."

those who've been there through the good and bad

- your my diamonds in the rough.

love irony.

Loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right, and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life... And sometimes, you think you're already over a person, but when you see them smile at you, you'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again...

For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much you love the person...In my opinion, some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else... Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love. Love is always present. It's just that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little..

As we all know that the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left. Maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always right...

Most often, we fall in love with the person we think we love but to only discover that for them, we are just for past times, while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger.

So...

Let go when you're hurting too much. Give up when love isn't enough, and move on when things are not like before... For sure, there is someone out there who will love you even more.

_______________________________________ 

If you've got a good thing, don't fuck it up!

Or ya' gonna be left empty handed. 

I don't seem to understand why is it when everythin' is all good,

that's when it begins to backfire and your heart gets thrown back at your face.

I've been in those positions,  when "one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little."

I went through being loved too much,

and felt how it was too be loved to little.

It was karma. I realized. I gained. I strengthened. I loved. I learned. 

I became stronger, physically and mentally.

I gathered enough strength to forgive but nonetheless not forget.

Don't get me wrong no one's perfect.

But don't get caught up in your own face,

don't become selfish. There's other people in the world.